We all have a little psycho in us

Ever done something that was so ridiculously psychotic that you can’t help but laugh at yourself? 

Now I’m sure I’m not the only girl out there who is a little bit of a psycho. We’re girls, we over think everything. We make up our own meanings to what guys say. We tell ourselves something is off, when everything is fine. We work ourselves up to the point where we’re so paranoid that we cause our own problems.
So the guy I’m dating used to speak to alot of girls. Like alot alot. He was easily speaking to 10 girls at a time. They’d send naked photos and flirt all day. I know because he’s honest about it… maybe even a little too honest. 

Anyway, I notice there’s this girl he’s been speaking to alot. He doesn’t hide it from me, in fact, when he saw that I’d noticed, he pointed out that she was buying his Xbox off him. I never thought anything of it, until a couple of weeks later when he opens a snap chat from her, infront of me and guess what… she’s naked! FUCKING BRILLIANT.

He said she does it all the time and that he doesn’t respond to it, and you know what? I belive him. Why? Because he’d tell me, he’s brutal like that. He tells me who he flirts with and who he doesn’t.

Anyway, I figured I’m not so sure I want him to meet this girl. If she buys his Xbox, there’s no way around it, they have to meet for him to hand it over. Time to step in…

Me – “I think I want an Xbox…” *cough* *hint*

Him – “You can have the one I’m selling if you want?”

Me – “Oh no, I’d feel really bad on the girl that’s supposed to be buying it” (“bitch” under my breath)

Him – “It’s not set in stone. If you want it, it’s your’s”

Me – “Oh no, I couldn’t…” 2 mins later… “how much though?”

Him – “you can have it for £100”

Me – “DEAL!”

So yeah… I’m buying an Xbox off him. Not because I want one… but because I don’t want that naked bitch to meet him. He has no idea. 

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Unspoken feelings 

Ever get that feeling when you know something is over before it happens?

There’s this unspoken situation where you both know you want different things, yet neither of you will admit that it won’t work. 

What do you do? Do you keep holding on, hoping that things will change? Or do you let go and try to move on?

I think the worst thing about it is the not knowing. You tell yourself someone is feeling a certain way, but you don’t know for sure. You try and talk about it, causing arguments and still don’t get an answer.

All I want is an answer, at least that way I can move on. I’m used to people falling at my feet for me, now I’m the one doing all of the chasing. I’ve done nothing but question how he feels since we started dating. It causes so much anxiety, yet I hold onto that small moments where he made me feel like the only person in the world. Are those small moments enough?

There are so many reasons why you should end it, but there’s always something holding you back. 

Movie romance

​So sex scenes in movies are always seen to be so unrealistic. They have the perfect balance of sultry, sexy and romantic, which is 90% of the time, the complete opposite to how sex is in real life. They leave out the awkwardness of trying to get out of your skinny jeans, the sexy underwear that’s giving you the world’s worst wedgie and the fumbling around trying to get it in and don’t even get me started on finding the right hole! Not only that, it’s the bit after sex when they lie in each others arms all loved up and then go straight to sleep. But in reality, you’re both sweaty as fuck and literally have to peel yourself apart from eachother. And let’s not forget that awkward shuffle to the toilet, where you try desperately not to open your legs, trying to prevent his cum from dribbling all over you. Yeah… not so romantic is it?

I’ve had this opinion for a while, until I experienced it for myself. Has anyone else ever had that perfect movie sex? The kind that I can’t even wrote about because there are no words to describe how amazing it was! 

Whilst I do feel greatful to have experienced it, I almost wish I hadn’t. Only for the fact that I know I will never experience sex like it again.

DATING SUCKS!

You know what? I fucking hate dating! Why do I do it? It all seems so much fun at first, until you start to develop feelings. Then the anxiety sinks in. You over think absolutely everything and it’s all you think about at night. I sometimes find myself thinking about work to keep my mind off of it. How sick is that?!

My head is all over the place at the minute and here’s why.

I was talking to 2 guys online (let’s call them Jason and Dan). Both of them seemed really nice and I ended up meeting up with Jason for a date. I did really like him, but it was early days so I continued to talk to Dan. It took a while for Dan to ask me on a date and by the time he did, I’d been on about 4 dates with Jason already, so I was a little unsure as to what to do, but I  planned to meet him anyway. 

It came to a couple of days before me and Dan were supposed to meet and I suddenly decided that I liked Jason far too much and that it was a bad idea. So I made up some lame excuse and cancelled the date. I still carried on speaking to him though. I guess you could say he was my “back up guy”. 

Anyway, this happened a number of times, as I kept changing my mind about whether or not I should meet him. The last time that it happened, I waited until an hour before we were supposed to meet before decided I needed to cancel… again.

I decided to be truthful when cancelling this time. I sent a long message about how I really liked him but I was dating someone else and it had gone too far blah blah blah… As you can imagine, he kicked off.  Eventually he calmed down and apologised for “overreacting” ( I’d have acted way worse than he did had it been the other way around) 

Anyway, I carried on dating Jason and let myself get attatched, only for him to end it a few weeks later, leaving me devastated.

Thing was, Dan was my backup guy and while I had told him about Jason, we still carried on talking. Dan made it very clear how much he was into me. He’d still try and meet up after everything that happened. I decided we may aswell meet now that things were over with Jason. And you know what? I was so mad at myself after meeting him! I really liked him straight away and couldn’t belive I’d blown him off for Jason.

We’ve now been on so many dates that I’ve lost count, in just a small amount of time. We did ice skating, bowling, cinema, German market and much more. I’m totally falling for this guy. But along with dating comes the anxiety and the paranoia. 

The first few weeks were perfect. We were talking constantly and always planning our next date. Last weekend he took me home to meet his mother! So as you can imagine, I assumed things were getting pretty serious. I deleted my tinder and my POF accounts and let myself develop feelings for this guy. 

I’m minding my own business at home when I receive a print screen from him, of a message someone sent him on tinder. I asked if he still spoke to people on there and his reply was “only if they’re really really really hot”. Oh… Yeah that made me feel like shit.

I ask him “do you actually want to date other people then or what?” And we end up having this conversation about how he doesn’t want to rush things and put a “label” on us yet – which I completely understand. But then he goes on to say how he feels like he needs a back up girl etc…

Worst thing is, I can’t even complain! He was my fucking back up guy!!!

He’s very honest, maybe a little too honest. He has girls that send him naked photos and he shows me them. Like how the fuck am I supposed too feel about that?! I mean It’s not like I don’t have people texting me constantly to meet up, but I don’t exactly go and flaunt it to him. 

Basically, I’m over thinking everything. I’ve seen his tinder and he hasn’t even spoken to anyone in weeks. But I just have this feeling he’s not so into me anymore. He used to tell me I was perfect and call meet beautiful, I’ve not heard him say that in at least a week. I have to ask when we’re meeting next, he never does. But at the same time, we just spent over  £200 each on a trip to London at the end of the month. Surely he wouldn’t do that if he wasn’t into me.

What do you guys think? Am I being paranoid? Or is he just not that into me?

Dry spell

You’re on a date with a guy you really like, it ends back at your place and all you want is to fill that burning desire you’ve had. You want to have great sex with a guy you really like and you want it to be good. But it seems for me, there’s always something that ruins it.

I’ve only ever had that mind blowing sex, where there has been no issues, just once. And belive me, it really was mind blowing. But that ended and now sex will probably never be the same again.

So in my last blog I spoke about a guy that I’ve been on quite a few dates with. The dates all went really well and I really liked him, but when it came to the sex, it was awful. I put it down to the fact that he hasn’t had sex in over a year and was probably rushing it a little. 

I went on another date with him and things became a little clearer. I really like this guy and I’m not going to let bad sex get in the way. 

My plans for new years eve had fallen through and so had his, so we decided to spend it together. We planned a quiet night in, starting with a meal and some crazy golf, then back to mine for movies and a bottle of wine.

It wasn’t long before tensions were building and I decided to give him a tour of the house, ending in the bedroom.

He jumps onto my bed and I sit beside him. I feel his arm reach around me and he pulls me closer. He reaches over, caresses my cheek and kisses me. I just lay there, letting him kiss me, touch me wherever he wants. My breath shortens with each kiss. He stops and looks at me for a minute and I’m begging for his touch. 

Things escalate and before you know it all of our clothes are on the floor. Things aren’t as rushed as last time, Im enjoying every minute of it but there’s only one issue. I’m not wet enough and he’s definitely not lacking in size. It just won’t go in. Like whatsoever! We tried different positions and nothing. I was so embarrassed! This has literally never happened before.

We both get dressed again and head back downstairs to watch a film. I’m sitting there 10 minutes later and suddenly become aware of how wet I am. It just came out of nowhere. I whisper I’m his ear “wanna know something really annoying?” He raises his eye brows at me and I whisper “I’m so wet right now”.

I know the mood has been killed but it was worth a try right?…

Well yeah, it was worth a try. 2 minutes later we’re on the floor having sex. No issues this time (thank God!!!!). It was nothing like last time. Nothing was rushed, he had great rhythm and I enjoyed every inch of him. The sex was amazing. 

We both lay there, happy, in each others arms. 

A couple of hours later things become heated again and we are dying to have sex, only I’m bone dry! AGAIN! I’m so embarrassed I have to leave the room. He follows me into the kitchen, takes me in his arms and asks “don’t you want me?” OF COURSE I FUCKING WANT YOU! 

I let him know that it’s not him and I’m probably just dehydrated. But what if it is him? I know he used to talk to my brothers fiancée, so I wonder if that has anything to do with it.

Why can’t I get wet? What is going on? Has this ever happened to anyone else?

HELP!

Self sabotage 

So there’s this whole 3 date rule where you’re supposed to wait 3 dates before sleeping with someone. I guess I’d not really thought about it before because, why lie, I was meeting people for sex. I let my sexual needs get the better of me. So what happens when you actually want to date someone?

It’s my first date with this guy. We’ve been speaking for a few weeks at this point and finally decide to meet up. 

I pull up in my taxi on the corner where we agreed to meet. I can see him looking out for me with an anxious look on his face. I walk over and he welcomes me with a smile and a kiss on the cheek (now this all feels very grown up)

We sit down with our cocktails (which he paid for) and start to get to know eachother.  I instantly feel comfortable around him and the nerves begin to ease off. The conversation flows and there are no awkward silences. He’s such a gentleman, so old fashioned. The opens door for you and pulls your chair out for you kind. I could really get used to this. 

Throughout the night I’m getting jealous texts off a guy I’d been sleeping with previously. He’s checking up on the date constantly, hoping that it’s not going too well. Funny really, he’d made it so clear to me that it was just sex, yet the first sign of me showing interest in someone else and he’s suddenly jealous.

The night is coming closer to an end and after a good few cocktails we both begin to feel tipsy. We decide to get some food and stop off for a quick bite at McDonald’s. (Not so classy, but it’ll do)

He walks me over to the taxi rank and informs the driver of where I’m heading, before opening the door to the car. He passionately kisses me and walks away.

It’s something I’m certainly not used to. I’ve never dated such a gentleman before. He paid for everything and didn’t even hint about me coming home with him! I secretly wanted him to, but then I remember the 3 date rule.

I’m in my taxi, huge grin on my face and I message him to thank him for a great night. My phone buzzes straight away and I smile to myself at the quick reply, only when I open the message, it’s not from him. It’s from the other guy, the one I was sleeping with before. 

‘By any chance was your date shit and you wanna come here instead?’

I don’t know what comes over me, but for some reason, I really want to. I text my friends and let them know, asking them for advice. It’s funny how much I ask them for advice really, especially as they are both virgins and never really go on dates. They both tell me not to go. In fact their words were “GO HOME AND GO TO SLEEP”

Of course, I don’t listen. I mean I had a great night and I really like him, but I have a funny sensation going on in between my thighs. My heart rate speeds up as thoughts of his hands running over my naked body begin to go through my head. I’m envisioning his tongue running over my breasts as his fingers creep up my legs. I tell the taxi driver there’s a change of plan and to take me a different address.

 “That’s a nice area that, is it where you live?” the driver asks me. “No” I tell him “it’s a friends house”. He keeps asking me questions about my “friend” and I struggle to answer without giving away the fact that he’s not actually a friend.

I pull up at his house and pray that the taxi leaves before he realises that  I’m at another guys house. But he doesn’t. He’s one of those nice ones that waits for you to get inside before he drives off. The door to his house opens and he grabs hold of me and kisses me intensely in the doorway. I look up and the taxi driver is still there. He’s staring, jaw wide open. As soon as he realises I can see him, he drives off. He literally just witnessed me passionately kissing one guy then 10 minutes later I’m practically dry humping another on his door step.

So to summarise, I go on a date, have a great time and am totally crazy for the guy. Then to end the night, I go home to someone else’s house because I’m a horny fuck who can’t control herself.
It’s self sabotage. I see myself getting attatched to someone and then do everything I can to distance myself.

Distractions

Ever met someone online who had such great potential, then in person they’re just not the same? 

I was still getting to grips with the whole online dating thing and I started speaking to someone, who I genuinely wanted to get to know. We’d been speaking online for a week or two and had exchanged numbers. He was tall, tanned and very handsome. He was confident and cocky and I loved it!

Normally you’d meet someone for the first time at a bar or a restaurant or even the cinema, but you know somewhere public at least. Well I’m an idiot. I didn’t meet him in a public place, I went over to his house, for what I thought was going to be a takeaway. 

I pull up onto his drive, heart pounding in my chest, feeling sick with nerves. Tons of questions flood into my head

  • What if he doesn’t like me?
  • Does my breath smell?
  • Do I look fat?
  • What if I don’t like him?
  • What if he’s a weirdo?
  • What if he’s an old man who’s going to rape me? 
  • Or kill me?

I send a quick text to my friend. “I’m at this address… check in every hour. If I don’t come home, call the police”

He’s noticed me on the drive and the front door opens. 

Well he’s not an old man, so that’s one thing off the list.

 I walk over to him and he welcomes me inside with a hug. He doesn’t look like his photo. He’s tall but had no tan. His photos are all obviously from a good angle, he looks very different from the front. He offers me a drink and shows me around the house. He’s really nervous, I can tell. He stands there awkwardly “I wasn’t expecting you to be this good looking” he says “it threw me”. I let out a small giggle. We go into his room and sit down on the couch. He’s 6’4 so he towers over me. 

I’m about to say something when I’m interrupted by his head racing in to kiss me.

  Jesus, he moved so fast I felt like he’d knock me out when his lips reached mine

I kiss him back and my mind begins to wonder. His breath smells. What is that smell? It’s so familiar and I can’t quite place what it is.

 He’s struggling to position himself and he moves down onto the floor infront of me. Weird. His hands creep up my leg and he pulls my knickers to one side… 

oh going straight in are we?

He’s so awkward the way he’s positioned, his height is clearly an issue for him. I cant watch, I have to look away. His fingers creep inside me and BAM, he goes at it so fast. I can only describe it as a woodpecker pecking away at at tree. Or a machine gun.

Calm the fuck down mate!

I try to act like im enjoyong it, but there’s only so much a person can fake. I can’t stand it any longer so I pull his hand away. I’m dying to think of an excuse to leave but I can’t think of what to say. 

He picks me up and throws me down onto the bed

Now this I like…

He grabs a condom out of his draw and put it on. He pulls off my knickers and goes straight in for the kill. No foreplay (apart from the woodpecking) and no build up whatsoever. He kisses me and I can smell his breath again.

The sex isn’t bad and I’m beginning to enjoy it. We’re finally getting into a bit of a rhythm, but his breath is really distracting me. I turn onto my front, hoping I can’t smell it from that angle and it works. He likes me on my front, I can tell. His thrusts are becoming stronger and I can feel how hard he is inside me.

My mind begins to wonder again… 

I’m hungry. Wonder if we’re actually getting a takeaway after this?

 I need to make sure I feed the rabbit when I get in. 

The rabbit…

THE RABBIT!!!!! 

It finally comes to me. The smell! His breath! It smells like my rabbits poo! Why does his breath smell like rabbit shit? WTF has this guy been eating?!

Just as this thought pops into my head he speeds up, grabbing hold of my bum and he finishes inside me. 

WELL THANK FUCK THAT’S OVER!

I run off to the toilet as I’m about to heave. I give myself a minute before returning to his room and giving him the bad news that “I need to head over to my cousins house because she’s had an accident…” he totally knows I’m lying but he doesn’t say. I get back into my car and head straight home. 

Moral of the story? Don’t meet someone for the first time at their house!

I’ll never be able to look at my rabbit the same. And I didn’t even get my fucking takeaway!

The walk of shame 

In all my other stories I’ve talked about sleeping with/hooking up with people, but it’s always been with someone I’ve met before hand.

I decided to download tinder.
You come across some strange people on there, but also some extremely nice people. I matched with an incredibly beautiful guy on there. Imagine Tom Daly, then make him 10 times hotter… I know right. Not only that, he’s in the RAF!

 Usually on tinder, people generally start up a conversation with you before trying to bed you. But not this guy (let’s call him James). James cuts straight to the point. I receive a message saying “I’ll cut to the chase, I’m looking for someone to have wild sex with, no strings attached. Could that be you?” I burst out laughing at the message and didn’t reply. 

But then a day passes and I remember how lonely I am. How much I miss a man’s touch. I look through his profile and remember just how good looking he is and something comes over me. I reply to his message “fuck it, why not”. He asks me when I’m free and we plan to meet that night. I shower and begin getting ready. I did my hair and my makeup and it wasn’t until I sat on my bed, trying to decide what to wear, that I burst into a fit of laughter. Of course I’m not going to drive all the way to the RAF base camp, to meet a total stranger, just for sex!!!! I was in absolute hysterics. I message my friends telling them I nearly did something really bad. I then message James on tinder and let him know I’m not coming, before quickly unmatching him. I put my pyjamas on and head downstairs to sit with my family.

I’m in the lounge with my entire family when I receive a friend request on facebook. Of course, how could it be anyone other than RAF James. I didn’t respond to the friend request, but I also received a message. He asked me why I’d unmatched him. We end having a bit of a conversation and he spends the next hour or so trying to convince me to come. The issue was, I was actually becoming tempted! I message my friend for advice and she encouraged me to go (I later found out that it wasn’t actually her, but her friend. Cheers for that Danny!) After a little encouragement from my friend (actually from Danny) I ended up going. I warn him before hand that I’m not on any contraception and that he would need to use a condom.

I pull up at the RAF base camp and James meets me in the car park. For some reason, he told me I had to bring I.D with me, which I thought was strange but I ignored it. Turns out that it’s because I have to go through security before I can even enter the actual car park. Anyway, security checked my I.D and I then had to pose for a photo so they can print me an I.D card (this already seems like far too much hassle) I get my I.D card and am then allowed to enter the car park. I get checked again, once inside the car park and we can finally continue on into his dorm. 

You would have thought it would be pretty awkward, but it wasn’t at all. I actually felt quite comfortable. We begin to kiss and it becomes very clear to me that he does this alot. He’s a good kisser! Things start to heat up and each kiss becomes harder. His tongue brushes mine and it sends shivers down my spine. He undresses me, slowly, with a look of hunger in he’s eyes. His hands begin to wonder around my body until he reaches my legs. They slowly begin to creep further up my thigh, but he stops just centimetres away. He holds his fingers there, stroking me, taunting me. He knows how much I want him. I cant hide it any longer. After teasing me for what felt like hours, he finally gives me what I want. I’m so overwhelmed with pleasure that I let out a groan. (He definitely does this alot)

I begin to let my hands work their magic on him, before he flips me onto my back and forces himself inside me. It’s going well, almost too well. He picks up the pace, he’s going harder and deeper and FUUUUCKKKK!!!!!!!!!!!! I scream out in pain! 

Wrong hole. 

He stops for a minute while I deal with the pain, then carries on. It wasn’t the wrong hole at all. He meant to do that.

I eventually manage to get him to stop and I lie on the bed feeling violated. Did he really just fuck me in the ass hole?! 

I’m fast asleep when I feel something start poking me in the back. Then his arms reach across my body and he turns me onto my back. He begins kissing my neck slowly and then his lips meet my mouth. He’s not done with me yet. There’s something about how dominant he is that completely turns me on. He begins to fuck me again, only this time, I realise he’s not wearing a condom. But I’m enjoying it too much to say anything. ‘It’s fine’ I think to myself, ‘he knows he can’t finish inside me’. Suddenly, he stops with a pleasured look on his face. He rolls back onto the bed and sighs. Did he just…? I run to the toilet and it becomes very apparent that he just came inside me. 
The next morning I have to leave early to head to a family party. He says goodbye to me at the bedroom door… he’s not gonna walk me out then. I make my way out of his dorm, still wearing last night’s clothes. As I’m walking to my car, I can hear music. The closer I get to my car, the loader it gets. I get to the car park and what would be right infront of my car but a huge fucking marching band and a group of RAF soldiers lined up saluting. Of course they would all be staring at me. Of course i would be in last night’s clothes. Of course I have sex hair. It couldn’t be more obvious that I was doing the walk of shame. I get into my car, cheeks red with embarrassment and make my way out of the car park. Only problem is, I don’t know the fucking way out. I end up driving past the soldiers 3 times before heading in the right direction.  

So was was it really worth:

  1. the petrol money
  2. The security check
  3. The extremely sore, gaping ass hole
  4. The lack of sleep
  5. The fact I then had to go and get the morning after pill 
  6. the worst walk of shame I’ve ever had in my life!

It may not have been worth it for the sex, but it sure as hell was worth it for the story!

Moral of the story… be careful who you meet up with on tinder!

Wounded

So all of my previous blogs have been stories from the past. Tonight I’m writing about something that has just happened. 

It’s clear from my previous entry that I had no interest in a relationship, or anything serious for that matter. but what happens when you meet someone who somehow changes the way you feel?

I went on a date with someone who I’d been speaking to online and absolutely didn’t see it going anywhere. But  we hit it off. Our first date was great, he paid for everything and walked me to my taxi at the end of the night, with nothing more than a kiss goodnight. I was hooked straight away. I’ve never had anyone act like such a gentleman towards me.

We went on a series of dates and got to know eachother alot better. There was never a minutes silence and we got on so well. Not to mention that the sex was the best I’d ever had in my life. Although, for some strange reason, the sex didn’t bother me. I found myself wanting to see him, talk to him constantly. It’s safe to say that I fell, hard for him, and in such a small amount of time.  

Things haven’t been the same recently. He’s been really busy with work and moving house and I haven’t seen him in over 2 weeks. I had a feeling  something was off, but just dismissed it, as he was so busy. But the last couple of days, I’ve been thinking to myself that if he really wanted to see me, then he would make time. Yes he still messaged me every day, but it’s not the same as being together in person. 
Last night he finally made plans to meet up (now that his work isn’t as busy and he’s finished moving in.) We met for drinks tonight and everything seemed back to normal, only I noticed the little things. Like him not holding my hand. After we’d been out for a good hour and had a good few drinks, he finally told me he had something to ask me.

“Can we just be friends?” he asked. I can’t act like I wasn’t surprised, I mean I did see it coming before, but it still hits you unexpectedly. “Yes” I laughed, trying to play it cool. He continued on to tell me that he’d been thinking about it over the last few days and “I can’t see it being anything more than just friends”. I tried to act like I wasn’t bothered and told him that it was fine and not to stress over it. But then of course followed the whole “I still wanna be fiends though”. Come on, noone wants to be friends after a situation like this. But of course, you don’t want him to think you care. “Yeah that’s fine” I replied with a laugh. 

He then asked me if I wanted another drink and of course I fucking said yes didn’t I! Why the fuck did I say yes?! I then had to sit there with him through another pint while I ramble on about God knows what, trying to act like I’m completely fine and I don’t give a shit. 

We finished our drinks and he walked me over to the taxi rank. Then came the awkward goodbye hug… do you hug? shake hands? kiss on the cheek? 
I get into the taxi and can finally stop acting. I feel numb, emotionless. I tell my close friends what happened and it finally begins to sink in. Here comes that sicky feeling in my stomach, the tears, the questions…What’s wrong with me? What changed his mind? How long has he been feeling like this?  

I guess that’s just life.  But you know what? Sometimes life sucks! You finally feel like things are going well, then they all fall apart.

Funny really, I feel more upset about this than I did over a break up of a relationship that lasted 3 years. Guess it’s different when the tables are turned and you’re the one being dumped.